Introverts and APIs
A short while back a client asked me: “How do I navigate building the relationships I need to be successful in my work if I am an introvert?”. I felt this was a good topic to explore, because being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t network; but you might want to change the way you think about it. Extroverts get energy from other people; introverts get that energy from within. Without the energy, does it follow that introverts cannot build and maintain relationships? I don’t think so.
Now, I am going to say something here that will be unexpected to those who know me:
The key for an introvert to build and maintain relationships is to be transactional.
What?! What about EQ? We’ll get to that in a minute.
One way to think about building relationships is to imagine you are building a product. What are the requirements? When are they needed? How will you fulfill these requirements? If your product is a relationship, then you fulfill them through introductions and outreach. If you are new to a role or it is a program, there are people in cross-functional roles or an adjacent team… start with them. Build a register of who they are: name, role, why they are on your list. Then, as you meet with them, ask them who else you should connect with and add those people to the register as well.
Another way to think about building relationships, in software-speak, is that it is like building an interface between services or components. If you are a software engineer, you know how to do this. You understand the inputs: what does the other side want to hear (the data or variables that you pass in)? You understand the outputs: how does the other side take up what you are saying (the answers/status you give them)? Next, you formulate the methods/functions to process these INs and OUTs.
Humans are not software or products, however, so how does this translate to people-speak? (IN) If you don’t know what they want/need from you, just ask! “What can I do for you?” is a really great question. (OUT) What is their listening capability? Can you confirm that you have been heard? An easy test is to summarize, and ask them to recap as well.
Here are some hints and tips to help you get from IN to OUT without stress or draining your energy.
Maintain notes. If you can’t type and maintain eye contact, then immediately after the meeting write down what was said and heard.
Review these notes before your next meeting and make sure you have answers to any questions they may have asked (i.e. process the input).
If you get a new, unexpected input, you have a simple exception handler: it is perfectly OK to say “I will find out and get back to you.” Make sure you propose a date to follow up, and then follow up! No one likes an empty exception handler.
Now to follow up myself: I would argue that knowing the inputs and outputs and how to get from one to the other of each individual you interact with is demonstrating very high EQ. This is something I uncovered when reading David Brooks’ “How to Know Someone”. Further, shifting the mindset to an API, a.k.a. transaction, is a tool. Using a tool to help yourself is knowing yourself. Self-knowledge, like self-awareness, is high EQ. Applying tools alleviates energy drain which comes from not knowing or not making sense of the situation. And ultimately, this helps you be your best at building and maintaining relationships, whether you are an introvert or not.
