What Confidence Feels Like
I had an epiphany about confidence while working off my Thanksgiving excess. And I wanted to share it because many seek coaching to boost their self-confidence or combat imposter syndrome. But before I go there, let’s begin with some D&Ds (definitions and disclaimer).
Self-confidence is how you think about your capabilities – what you can do. Self-esteem is how you think about your identity – who you are. I’ve heard others use “low self-confidence" and “Imposter Syndrome” interchangeably, but there is a subtle difference. Imposter Syndrome is commonly defined as a fear that others will discover you don’t have the skills to be where you are; in other words: insecurity in how others think about your capabilities.
Disclaimer: This article is about a way to potentially improve your self-confidence. It’s about changing your behavior going forward, and thus does not (in fact, cannot) address the underlying causes. If you have low self-esteem, or your low confidence is affecting your ability to do normal everyday things, or you suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts, stop reading. Please seek help from a healthcare professional.
This is what I heard on the treadmill today: “If you want to go faster, go fast” (h/t Kirsten Ferguson on the Peloton platform). Think about that for a second … Makes sense, right? You have to try fast, practice it, a little bit at a time. You experience fast, over and over, and you become fast. The epiphanic analogy? If you want to increase your confidence, be confident. This may sound trite, but it works.
You might think, "That's like 'fake it 'til you make it.'" But I argue that advice is hard to follow with imposter syndrome. "Fake" and "fraud" are too close for comfort. But I wouldn’t dismiss this axiom out of hand. Its heart is in the right place. The intention is good. When you keep trying until you make it, you experience how something feels and then reinforce the feeling. This is the essence of change.
The recipe for increased confidence
I am assuming you wish to improve your confidence at work, but this could apply outside of your career as well. The steps to take to effect a change in your level of confidence are:
Find something you already feel confident about. You may say “that’s easier said than done! I have low self-confidence after all!” I would remind you that self-confidence is about your capabilities. You can be and ARE good at some things … and not so good at others. Everyone is. If you see others at work that seem so confident, don't forget that there are some things that they are not so good at. The confidence they display comes from how they feel when they are doing the things that they are good at. So find something that you do well. It doesn’t even need to be work-related. Yet. It could be that you bake a wicked chocolate chip cookie. Or are very efficient at executing your to-do list. Or are really creative at applying color-coordinating nail polish. Or …
Whatever it is, just do it. At least twice. The first time, after you’ve finished, reflect on how you felt in your body. It could be that you feel lightness or expansion in your chest, or strength in your torso or back, or the muscles relax on the side of your face. Think about what your body is feeling. Now, do it again, but this second time try to notice the feeling emerging while you are doing it. Maybe even do it a third time, just to be sure you capture that feeling in memory.
Now, you are ready to sense this feeling at work–whenever and wherever it happens: scheduling a meeting, approving a PR, adding comments to your code, or editing a design doc. Feel that? That is confidence in the moment. And now you recognize it.
Start to build your mental list of when you sense this feeling. Soon, you could have a long list, so long in fact that you feel this feeling of confidence more often than not – just like the others that you have seen and say “I wish I were as confident as they are!"
Beware of biases
Confirmation bias is seeking out data that upholds your belief. If you believe you are no good at something, then you will only find data to support that. But remember the chocolate chip cookie? Or the nail polish? This is data that confirms, as well. Try not to seek out or dwell on the negative thoughts or feels.
You may find that sometimes, when you do your “good thing," you don’t feel it, or you feel something different than what you remember. Acknowledge it, and build your own “feels like” library. Sometimes you need to do something that you a) don't know how it will feel or b) believe it will not generate the confidence feel. That's OK. You can't be excellent at everything. Remember: neither is the other guy.
“If you want to go faster, go fast."
To go fast, you need to know what fast feels like. And to experience fast, you also need to experience “not fast." These steps I’ve laid out build an awareness of what confidence feels like, when you are confident in the moment. And how to return to confidence when you get shaky.
The neuroscience behind change
The methods used to train AI models, i.e., reinforcement learning, are the same methods we use to train for sports, excel at a musical instrument, or improve your self-confidence. There is science behind this: when we recognize or measure something in the moment and use that recognition to instill a new habit, we are training our human brain to take a new, better pathway. I use a mnemonic: OARS, for Observation, Awareness, Reorganization, Stabilization:
Observation - This is your ability to sense yourself or what you are feeling.
Awareness - This is sensing the feeling at the moment it is happening.
Reorganization - Deliberately doing things that generate the feeling that you want.
Stabilization - As the feeling happens more and more often, it becomes the new normal.
OARS is a way to change thought patterns or change behavior using somatic cues. It is the “heart” of my coaching approach. I encourage you to sign up for a coaching consultation if you want to learn more about using OARS. Coaching is one of several ways you can improve your self-confidence and overcome imposter syndrome. Other options include psychotherapy or CBT to uncover the source, mindfulness or meditation to calm anxiety and stress, or practicing gratitude to improve positive feelings. Regardless of the path you choose, you have the ability to gain the confidence you deserve.
Heart of coaching
